I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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