im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
