well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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