Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
