I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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