watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
