please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
whose parrot is this?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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