I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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