dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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