actually, I'm a sock model
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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