I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
