Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
