I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
