Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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