My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
