my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
