What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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