Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
