genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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