Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
