I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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