Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
