I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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