Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
