He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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