My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
