Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
