I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
