He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You are a genius and a whore.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
