Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
