Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
