Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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