Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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