im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
