I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
