they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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