Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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