I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
