I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
