i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
