Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Pants are for mortals
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
