fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
