dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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