Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
