I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
