I will die if light touches me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
