My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
