you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
