Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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