Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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