I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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